The Cavity, Part Two

I experienced a deeper level of understanding about the discovery of a large black cavity between my two front teeth. I remembered the pain, the loneliness and the horror at finding this corrosion between my teeth. The reality that I did not know what to do about it, except to decide to remember to not show my teeth when I smiled; was how far I got last time.

Then, I realized it had had a much larger impact. I had decided to remember to not show my teeth when I smiled. I took my own smile away years ago. Now, when I try to smile “naturally” in the mirror, the muscles that could’ve been well maintained over the years, simply aren’t. I don’t smile with my entire face because it has always been more important to hide my teeth.

I can look back now and recognize that this had repercussions during my entire life. The summer that I had my one and only true, deep love I have distinct memories of squishing my face up in the centre into a mock smile so that I could fully smile and still not show my teeth. I remember him mentioning that I did not show my teeth. I was not forthcoming as to why.

Teeth

When that first awareness of your own appearance is just occurring and you discover you are not attractive, to the point of needing to hide, it has a profound impact on your sense of beauty. I know that for years I thought that I was hideous, just to see a photo of myself and realize that I never was.

During a formative time in my career, I missed an important dinner that was scheduled so that I could meet a partner in the business that I was working for. I didn’t go because a filling had just fallen out of my front tooth and the gaping hole was too embarrassing for me to proceed with the meeting. I should have been at that meeting, if for no other reason than to gain the experience of being at an important meeting.

Perception became reality. I lived an experience of feeling like I was unattractive. I had something to be embarrassed about, despite the reality. Funny thing. The happy ending to this story is that my front teeth continued to deteriorate. I’m getting to the funny part, just be patient. Each time that I replaced a filling, more of the original tooth would be lost and over a lifetime, that is a lot of tooth. Recently, about the time that I wrote my first story about the cavity, my middle tooth broke on a Friday and the one beside it a day and a half later. I had to have them capped this time, or risk needing full implants when they could no longer be repaired.

I have found myself explaining to people the reason that my new teeth don’t seem so different is because I had always made a point of not showing anyone my real teeth. I promised myself repeatedly, that I’d do my best to not show how ugly my front teeth were when I smile. There is still an active reminder that comes up when I am in the process of smiling. Now, I just have to relax and let myself smile fully so that I can build those muscles back up and stop looking ridiculous trying to remember how to smile naturally.

Nail polish is a Gateway Makeup

IMG_4079Turns out that nail polish was a gateway makeup for me. I have enjoyed trying out new colours, new textures and new finishes so much that I realized that it was a part of me that I wanted to expand. Then came the rest of the make up.

Doing my face, hair, jewelry, nails and clothing has become a diversion for me. It is easy to argue that there is not enough time, and I certainly would not want anyone to feel that they need to elevate this to the status of the mandatory work out, for instance, but it is an expression of who I am.

When I indulge in this rather unnecessary pursuit of the perfect outfit or a matching look I feel like I have reclaimed a part of myself. The little girl that cried when her mother said that the pretty dress was only for special occasions and that she could not wear it outside to play, is cheering. I have brought this piece of joy back into my life. A small, yet significant, practise of coneiya, reclaiming a part of myself that was lost and becoming more fully whole.

Creating an outfit, a look, is a form of artistic expression. I need to dress each day before I go out, or the neighbours get really upset! So why not put some thought into the outfit? I got some great advice. Stay away from black, white and grey. The advice came from a woman that encourages other women to dress for their own style and she did not say that ‘No One’ should wear these colours, they are just not the right colours, or lack of colours, for me.

So that is the point. If I choose to wear colours it brings me into a whole new arena of what to wear. I can spin through most clothing stores in a matter of moments. The black and greys make up 85% of the clothing. I only need to slow down if there is a colour on the rack. This saves an enormous amount of time!

Another tool I’ve been using is a colour palate. This is not a template of the colours I MUST wear, it is a guide to the colours that suit my personality. The idea is to choose those outfits that come in colours that resonate with this palate. Picking out nail polish with this colour scheme in mind is a whole new experience.

It has allowed me to get away from the pinks and reds and move into teal, a muted orange and a shimmering brown. These colours match the palate and so they match the clothing that I am choosing, automatically.

Now, unfortunately, I have a gorgeous nail polish on today, that doesn’t yet match anything that I own. It is a high gloss, monochromatic orange that ever so slightly approaches a brown. It is not brown, but it is not ‘bright’ orange either. The biggest decision was, Do I put on a second coat to completely eliminate the possibility of light shinning through the nails, given the wrong lighting? Or, do I stay with a single coat and maximize the shine and finish? I know that I could put a topcoat on, but alas, I’m not likely to do that!

The more coats of nail polish, the longer the whole process takes and you know where I’m going with this, the less likely it will get done at all. So, I’m sending a warning to all of those individuals that are playing with nail polish. It may be a gateway makeup.

Nailpolish is a Gateway Makeup

IMG_4079Turns out that nail polish was a gateway makeup for me. I have enjoyed trying out new colours, new textures and new finishes so much that I realized that it was a part of me that I wanted to expand. Then came the rest of the make up.

Doing my face, hair, jewelry, nails and clothing has become a diversion for me. It is easy to argue that there is not enough time, and I certainly would not want anyone to feel that they need to elevate this to the status of the mandatory work out, for instance, but it is an expression of who I am.

When I indulge in this rather unnecessary pursuit of the perfect outfit or a matching look I feel like I have reclaimed a part of myself. The little girl that cried when her mother said that the pretty dress was only for special occasions and that she could not wear it outside to play, is cheering. I have brought this piece of joy back into my life. A small, yet significant, practise of coneiya, reclaiming a part of myself that was lost and becoming more fully whole.

Creating an outfit, a look, is a form of artistic expression. I need to dress each day before I go out, or the neighbours get really upset! So why not put some thought into the outfit? I got some great advice. Stay away from black, white and grey. The advice came from a woman that encourages other women to dress for their own style and she did not say that ‘No One’ should wear these colours, they are just not the right colours, or lack of colours, for me.

So that is the point. If I choose to wear colours it brings me into a whole new arena of what to wear. I can spin through most clothing stores in a matter of moments. The black and greys make up 85% of the clothing. I only need to slow down if there is a colour on the rack. This saves an enormous amount of time!

Another tool I’ve been using is a colour palate. This is not a template of the colours I MUST wear, it is a guide to the colours that suit my personality. The idea is to choose those outfits that come in colours that resonate with this palate. Picking out nail polish with this colour scheme in mind is a whole new experience.

It has allowed me to get away from the pinks and reds and move into teal, a muted orange and a shimmering brown. These colours match the palate and so they match the clothing that I am choosing, automatically.

Now, unfortunately, I have a gorgeous nail polish on today, that doesn’t yet match anything that I own. It is a high gloss, monochromatic orange that ever so slightly approaches a brown. It is not brown, but it is not ‘bright’ orange either. The biggest decision was, Do I put on a second coat to completely eliminate the possibility of light shinning through the nails, given the wrong lighting? Or, do I stay with a single coat and maximize the shine and finish? I know that I could put a topcoat on, but alas, I’m not likely to do that!

The more coats of nail polish, the longer the whole process takes and you know where I’m going with this, the less likely it will get done at all. So, I’m sending a warning to all of those individuals that are playing with nail polish. It may be a gateway makeup.

The Cavity, Part Two

I experienced a deeper level of understanding about the discovery of a large black cavity between my two front teeth. I remembered the pain, the loneliness and the horror at finding this corrosion between my teeth. The reality that I did not know what to do about it, except to decide to remember to not show my teeth when I smiled; was how far I got last time.

Then, I realized it had had a much larger impact. I had decided to remember to not show my teeth when I smiled. I took my own smile away years ago. Now, when I try to smile “naturally” in the mirror, the muscles that could’ve been well maintained over the years, simply aren’t. I don’t smile with my entire face because it has always been more important to hide my teeth.

I can look back now and recognize that this had repercussions during my entire life. The summer that I had my one and only true, deep love I have distinct memories of squishing my face up in the centre into a mock smile so that I could fully smile and still not show my teeth. I remember him mentioning that I did not show my teeth. I was not forthcoming as to why.

Teeth

When that first awareness of your own appearance is just occurring and you discover you are not attractive, to the point of needing to hide, it has a profound impact on your sense of beauty. I know that for years I thought that I was hideous, just to see a photo of myself and realize that I never was.

During a formative time in my career, I missed an important dinner that was scheduled so that I could meet a partner in the business that I was working for. I didn’t go because a filling had just fallen out of my front tooth and the gaping hole was too embarrassing for me to proceed with the meeting. I should have been at that meeting, if for no other reason than to gain the experience of being at an important meeting.

Perception became reality. I lived an experience of feeling like I was unattractive. I had something to be embarrassed about, despite the reality. Funny thing. The happy ending to this story is that my front teeth continued to deteriorate. I’m getting to the funny part, just be patient. Each time that I replaced a filling, more of the original tooth would be lost and over a lifetime, that is a lot of tooth. Recently, about the time that I wrote my first story about the cavity, my middle tooth broke on a Friday and the one beside it a day and a half later. I had to have them capped this time, or risk needing full implants when they could no longer be repaired.

I have found myself explaining to people the reason that my new teeth don’t seem so different is because I had always made a point of not showing anyone my real teeth. I promised myself repeatedly, that I’d do my best to not show how ugly my front teeth were when I smile. There is still an active reminder that comes up when I am in the process of smiling. Now, I just have to relax and let myself smile fully so that I can build those muscles back up and stop looking ridiculous trying to remember how to smile naturally.

The Cavity, Part Two

I experienced a deeper level of understanding about the discovery of a large black cavity between my two front teeth. I remembered the pain, the loneliness and the horror at finding this corrosion between my teeth. The reality that I did not know what to do about it, except to decide to remember to not show my teeth when I smiled; was how far I got last time.

Then, I realized it had had a much larger impact. I had decided to remember to not show my teeth when I smiled. I took my own smile away years ago. Now, when I try to smile “naturally” in the mirror, the muscles that could’ve been well maintained over the years, simply aren’t. I don’t smile with my entire face because it has always been more important to hide my teeth.

I can look back now and recognize that this had repercussions during my entire life. The summer that I had my one and only true, deep love I have distinct memories of squishing my face up in the centre into a mock smile so that I could fully smile and still not show my teeth. I remember him mentioning that I did not show my teeth. I was not forthcoming as to why.

Teeth

When that first awareness of your own appearance is just occurring and you discover you are not attractive, to the point of needing to hide, it has a profound impact on your sense of beauty. I know that for years I thought that I was hideous, just to see a photo of myself and realize that I never was.

During a formative time in my career, I missed an important dinner that was scheduled so that I could meet a partner in the business that I was working for. I didn’t go because a filling had just fallen out of my front tooth and the gaping hole was too embarrassing for me to proceed with the meeting. I should have been at that meeting, if for no other reason than to gain the experience of being at an important meeting.

Perception became reality. I lived an experience of feeling like I was unattractive. I had something to be embarrassed about, despite the reality. Funny thing. The happy ending to this story is that my front teeth continued to deteriorate. I’m getting to the funny part, just be patient. Each time that I replaced a filling, more of the original tooth would be lost and over a lifetime, that is a lot of tooth. Recently, about the time that I wrote my first story about the cavity, my middle tooth broke on a Friday and the one beside it a day and a half later. I had to have them capped this time, or risk needing full implants when they could no longer be repaired.

I have found myself explaining to people the reason that my new teeth don’t seem so different is because I had always made a point of not showing anyone my real teeth. I promised myself repeatedly, that I’d do my best to not show how ugly my front teeth were when I smile. There is still an active reminder that comes up when I am in the process of smiling. Now, I just have to relax and let myself smile fully so that I can build those muscles back up and stop looking ridiculous trying to remember how to smile naturally.