Self-Awareness 101 — You are not your thoughts

“I think, therefore I am!” Descartes’ quote was great in its time, but I think it overshadows a larger reality. Most of us spend our time fully in our brains. We remind ourselves of what we need to do, the on-going “To Do” lists. We rehash conversations, worry about our futures, count calories, rewrite the past and generally spend most of our days paying attention to the blah, blah, blah going on in our minds.

This overriding tendency is getting much, much worse with the advent of cell phones and the ubiquitous nature of technology. The word generating part of our brains can now also post to social media, send tweets, text, write emails and the list goes on and on and is likely getting longer as you read this.

Truth is, there is a part of our brains that does nothing all day except generate words. It is its entire function. If you are reading this or writing, or having a conversation, that is a good thing. We need it. We have learned to navigate our world by interacting and speaking to one another. Problem is, when we aren’t having a conversation in the real world, we are still paying attention to this voice.

To illustrate this point, I want to ask if you have ever driven home from work,  or to a place you go frequently and when you arrived you have no recollection of the drive? If you have never experienced this, let me just say, it has been used as a defence in court and it was so familiar to those overseeing the case, that it was accepted as a likely thing to have occurred.

So where were you at the time? Likely, completely engaged with the word generating part of your brain. You were lost in your thoughts about whatever the word generating part of your brain likes to focus on. See list above for some examples.

Exercise 1

Try something with me. READ THIS PART TO YOURSELF AND PAY ATTENTION TO HOW YOU EXPERIENCE READING.

That sounds abstract, so let me try to explain what I mean. Think of the bolded part above. Reread it if necessary. What actually happens in your brain when you read? For many, but certainly not all, they hear the words in their mind. Read it again and see if that is true for you.

So, if you “hear” the words, who is listening? This is important. You, the real you, is the one listening to the words. The words themselves were just what you were reading on the page. In this example, it is clear that the words are what were written on the page and “you” are the one listening.

Let’s take it one step further. If you are not reading and you are listening to your “To Do” list, for example, you are still the one listening. In other words, the word generating part of your mind is not who you are. Since its entire job is to keep babbling on all day, many of us confuse it for who we are. When it starts to tell us things, we believe we are hearing our own voice. We may be hearing something a fourth-grade teacher told us years ago. You see, it is easier for the word generating part of our mind to keep repeating itself than it is for it to come up with new material.

Exercise 2

There is another way to illustrate this. It has become quite common in cartoons and movies to see someone trying to make a decision. In the movie, a “good angel” will be standing on one shoulder talking into one ear of the character. A “bad devil” will be standing on the other shoulder giving the opposite advice.

You can try this yourself. Hold your hands out in front of you, palms up. Picture yourself in natural, flowing carefree clothing standing on one hand. Now, picture yourself in a tight, very formal, army uniform standing on the other hand.

Take the time to see these two aspects of yourself. Now think of an on-going argument you have with yourself. Let’s see, maybe you are trying to cut out carbs, but love muffins. Or perhaps, you have promised yourself daily exercise but it is cold and wet outside. You know your own struggles, pick something that you can relate to. Visualize these two aspects of yourself arguing their points of view.

Carbs make you fat! I like muffins. You must exercise! I’d rather be warm and comfortable. … You get the idea. Take a moment to do this bit right now. I’ll wait.

I’m sure none of this is new to you, except perhaps picturing yourself standing on your hands. What I want to illustrate is that you are neither of the people standing on your hands. You are the one observing the argument. You are the one listening to the debate. The debate is being created by the word generating part of your brain. You are the one observing.

Why is this important?

This is an introductory blog, so I’ll just focus on the Top Three highlights. Let’s just say, this is really, really important.

1. If you think the words in your mind are you, you may not question what they are saying.

This is a real problem if they are mean, destructive or undermine your self-confidence. Once you realize the words aren’t you, you can question what you say to yourself, or better yet, change what you say.

2. Being lost in your mind means you are not paying attention to your life.

If you “forget” the drive in, you also didn’t notice the cute dog that was playing ball; the beautiful trees beside the road; the sky, clouds, sunshine and you didn’t notice anything going on outside of your mind. This becomes important because you miss opportunities. You might not notice something that may have brought you joy.

3. If you believe you are the words in your mind, you are not honouring your true self.

Emotions get pushed out of the way, body sensations are completely ignored and your experience of the world becomes very limited.

Take some time today and focus your attention on the world around you. There is no need to narrate what you are seeing or to make a judgement about the quality of it or whether it is good or bad. Just observe it. Expand your awareness to the temperature, smells, sounds and sensations of your body. Isn’t that a nice break from the chatter? Your thoughts are not who you are. You are way more than that.

Body Awareness 101 — Hear the wisdom of your body

Appearance and health usually top the list when we discuss our bodies. Perhaps sexuality comes in there a bit, but really, most people do not think about their bodies much more than that. We have been raised in a society where the brain runs the show. There is an understanding that everything should be based on facts, “Just the facts ma’am.”

Even when we are trying to make decisions, the first thing that comes to mind is the classic ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ list. We all know the drill. You take a piece of paper and write ‘pros’ on one side of a line down the middle and ‘cons’ on the other. Then, you describe in words the good and bad aspects of any decision. Sure, fine, whatever…

Unfortunately, this method excludes a huge amount of knowledge and information. Consider for a minute, you are reading this blog. Your brain is likely focused on this, or perhaps someone or something in your immediate environment also vying for your attention. Your brain might be drifting off thinking about other, possibly more interesting things.

Whether you are paying attention or not, you have sensory perception in your skin, your digestive tract and your muscles. Your ears can hear (my apologies if you are deaf), you can taste your mouth, see with your eyes, smell with your nose etc., etc. This information is sorted and what is considered the most important is presented to your awareness by your brain.

Everyone has experienced noticing an odour when you walk into a room and then it seems to disappear. The odour is still there it is just that once it was acknowledged, there was no more need to think about it and have it at the forefront of your awareness, unless the smell is outrageous or is tied to food, pleasure or some other meaningful information.

What we tend to forget is that all of that data was collected and sorted through even if our brains did not prioritize it and make it important in the moment. This vast storehouse of experience and information is not necessarily something we can put into words. Think of a bad smell. If you tried to describe it, without referring to other smells, it is almost impossible. Words fail us. It is not possible to capture the full experience or meaning of something with words alone.

But, we have decided to restrict our decision-making process to providing arguments, which are words, for and against any choice. Let me suggest another alternative.

By learning how to listen to your own body, you can tap into all of the information that is there that may or may not be part of your conscious experience. Your body speaks to you through sensations. These might be felt as heat, cold, shaking, trembling, tightening, loosening, aching or tingling. There are many more ways to describe body sensations, but that list gives you a taste of the diversity. Just like the bad odour, we largely ignore these sensations until we run into problems.

Tightening of the shoulders can lead to headaches, muscles trembling can lead to being exhausted and tightening of the digestive tract can have all kinds of digestive consequences. This is when we are forced to acknowledge the way our body is responding to the situation, but we can learn how to pay attention.

*Special note to Martha Beck, this is based on her body compass 

This is how to tune into what your body is communicating to you:
1. Get into a relaxed position

It doesn’t matter if you are sitting, standing or lying down, but you need to be able to relax completely. You will not get good results if you have to adjust yourself and move around during the exercise.

2. Remember a bad memory

When I say remember a bad memory, I’m not talking about telling the story you have written about the event. Let me illustrate. Say, your dog ran out in front of a car and you saw her get hit. The story would be the last sentence I wrote. I do not want you to rehash this story, perhaps adding in the type of car or how your dog happened to be on the road. What I want you to do it “be” there.

Remember the day, the weather, the lighting. Think of whether or not there was a breeze. Were other people around? Were there smells? How did you feel right before it happened? Were there any sounds? Get right back into the memory, relive it. This exercise may bring up unreleased emotions. It is always good to let them out. If you find yourself crying, be happy that you are releasing emotions. Go with it. Let them out.

3. Scan your body

Now that you are re-experiencing this memory, scan your body. Start at your toes and notice anything. Are they cold? Do you feel the floor, or your socks? Go slowly up your legs and notice anything. If they are completely relaxed notice that. If they are uncomfortable notice that. Continue up your body. Notice everything. Be sure to not miss any body parts. Is there any tightness, coldness, pain? Make note of all of the sensations coming from your body. This is how your body says “no”.

4. Shake

I mean this literally. You have built up negative energy in your body. Get up, shake, move around, dance if you feel like it but physically move your body until it no longer feels like you are re-experiencing the bad event. The emotion attached to the experience may hang around still, but you want to move your body and let that part of the energy go.

5. Repeat

This time use one of your favourite memories. The same thing applies. You do not want to tell the story of how wonderful the day was, you want to re-experience the sights, sounds, smells and atmosphere.

The only mistake I have seen people make here is they go to one of the classic, “BEST DAYS” of my life which is often a wedding, or the birth of a child, or winning the award. These may work if you are being interviewed about the best day in your life, but often a wedding is stressful, there can be a lot of fear, pain and worry during childbirth and winning that award, took a lot of work and a lot was at stake, so these are not good examples.

What you are looking for is a day when you felt loved, happy, or content. One of the times when you were completely at peace and things were OK.

6. Scan your body

Repeat what I described above. Start at your toes and look for any sensation in your body. Make note of what you feel. This is how your body says, “yes”.

7. Using the information

Now that you have an idea when your body is trying to say yes and when it is trying to say no, you can apply this to everyday life and decision making. Instead of setting up ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ on a page, sit and picture yourself making one decision and check in with your body. Then, picture yourself making the opposite and see what your body has to say.

Learning this technique will allow you to tap into what your body knows and what it is trying to communicate to you, even if it can’t be expressed in words. If you practice paying attention, eventually this information will be available in real time. Like when you are asked if you want to go to a party, check in and see what you really want to do, your body will know.

 

 

 

Moments

Our life is composed of moments. We like to dream about wonderful things like unfathomable riches, or a great vacation, getting that ring or promotion, but the truth is, we are living right now.

So, how do you feel right now? It is not too much of a leap to guess that you are warm, fed, clothed and have access to the internet. You are reading this, so you must be! But do you feel like you are OK? Are you savouring it?

Not too long ago I was faced with a relatively minor decision. I could pay $40.00 to take a “short cut” on the drive home, or I could drive over an hour through rush hour traffic, likely bumper to bumper.

Being fully conscious of my values and priorities, I decided to put some good music on, put the roof of my car down and just go through the traffic.

I could’ve stressed about the congestion, damming all of the people around me, wishing those in charge had made better planning decisions and been angry the entire way home. Or, I could recognize those around me were stressed, give them a little compassion and listen to some good music. It takes such little effort to drive that slow!

It may seem like a small thing, and it was, but our entire life is like that. A long time ago, I decided I didn’t want to look back on my life and see only stress and turmoil. For that drive, I was content. I knew it would take over an hour. An hour of my life I wanted to enjoy, not stress over.

Choosing to be happy now, even in gridlock, means that increasingly my life becomes filled with moments of contentment and joy. Isn’t that what we all want? Why not choose to be happy now? 

Stories we Tell Ourselves

The overlaps between both the ancient and the modern spiritual philosophies is significant to me. Recently, at my Vipassana retreat, Goenkaji spoke about “Saṅkhāra” he explained craving and aversion as causing these.  Basically, he was discussing thoughts that form when you are not happy with the present moment. All of the regrets, worries, hopes and desires form Saṅkhāras.

When you do not accept the moment as it is without craving or aversion, you create a sankhara. These are the source of all misery.  For instance, if someone insults you, it can create aversion in you. It is unpleasant for you and then you build up dislike or hate towards this person. The saṅkhāra or hate that you feel gets embedded and when you see this person again, you feel the hate. The hate can be used to justify treating that person poorly, for example.

The same phenomenon is described by Eckhart Tolle when he talks about “pain bodies”. He speaks of pain bodies being activated when some thought or experience brings you into alignment with old emotional scars. So, let’s say the same person insults you. They attack a part of you, you are sensitive about. Now, when the person who did the insulting is around, you feel “justified” reacting badly to anything that they say or do.

Byron Katie comes at it from the other side and reminds us that we don’t know anything for sure. This would include anything we can describe to ourselves. Her solution is to ask yourself, “Is it true?” leading to the foregone conclusion that there is no way you can ever know absolutely for sure.

Her perspective challenges us to look at the person, and decide if we believe what we think about the person who said it. We may immediately think the insulter is wrong, bad or out to hurt us. Instead of the insult resulting in bad feelings towards the person, we ask ourselves, “Is the person insulting us a bad person, or are they just saying something we find unpleasant?”

So what are they all talking about? They are describing the little voice in our heads who tries to rewrite history, “I shouldn’t have”, “she shouldn’t have”, “it shouldn’t have”. Or, “I wish … blah, blah, blah”. We have told ourselves a story about the way we judge things or people would be better. Our stories are told through craving, aversion; pain or fear or longing; and telling ourselves things are not OK, they should be different.

In essence, our thoughts not only create our perception of the world, they also contribute to how we feel in the world and how we respond to the world. If we build up enough saṅkhāras we can justify harming the person or mistreating them. In Eckhart Tolle’s model the “pain body” becomes activated and we act before we think. In Byron Katie’s we know the other person is out to get us, therefore justifying bad behaviour.

These explanations all point to the same thing. If we tell ourselves stories about people — whether they are based on facts or not — we can justify treating them badly. This is not a good thing. We are always responsible for how we behave. We can never justify hurting someone else, especially when that action is based on a story. A story we told ourself about that person and their intentions.

 

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Doctor

IMG_3471It’s just a fragment of a memory, out of context, out of time, but a dramatic one none-the-less. My mother is in her room, on her bed, writhing in agony. She is wailing in pain and sobbing. My father is pacing back and forth in the livingroom, lost, unsure of what to do.

I am in the kitchen immobile. I can’t move. I am frightened and worried. My mother is in distress. There is nothing that I can do. My sister is home. I know that, but I don’t know where she is.

My father says, “We should take you to the doctor’s”.

My mother replies, sobbing, “Dr. Dean can’t see me until….” I don’t remember how far away the appointment was, but it is strange at this point in my life to remember my mother saying that.

If she had in fact been in as much pain and discomfort as she appeared to be, why was she refusing to see a doctor? Why did she not go into the emergency room of the hospital? Heaven knows that we had been there on many occasions.

I blurted out, “Dr. Dean will be dead by then.” I’m not sure why I said this. Perhaps, it was in recognition of how ridiculous her statement was in the midst of all of this drama. Perhaps I didn’t want the only solution, the only end to this to be so far in the future. All I know for sure is that I felt helpless, lost, worried and panicked.

That’s it.

I don’t remember any more. I don’t remember the outcome, other than the fact that Dr. Dean did die before my mother got in to see him. He was rather old at the time.

Now, in hindsight, I realize that this was probably just one more manipulation. My mother used illness as a way of making herself the centre of everyone’s attention. She was sick throughout my entire life. In this particular instance, the likely reason that she did not want to go into the emergency room was that there was nothing wrong and they would be able to tell. Her family could not. We were focusing all of our energy on her and that is the way she liked it.

The Narcissist Survival Guide now available

Leaving-page-001

In this book, Martha Beck examines the truly pathologic relationship she had with her parents and how she managed to get out from under it.

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Drive

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Fax

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Interview

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Call

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Cavity

Narcissism–Scenes From the Front Line — The Funeral

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Pants

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Trailer

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — Biking

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — New Job

What if We Chose to Be Here?

It seemed like a simple question, but the more I pondered it the more I recognized it was rewriting how I told my story. For years, I’ve said, “I think I chose to be here” and in a recent conversation with a friend, I turned it around and said, “What if we all chose to be here?”

img_0071

It rearranges everything we’ve been focusing on. A few things fall from this premise and it is interesting to explore them, knowing full well the premise may be faulty. So, first, the most obvious is that if we “chose” we must have existed. Which, pretty much means we must exist after this body dies because we had to come from somewhere and we just go back. This is going back to a place from where we could chose what we want to experience.

There are many religions that have spoke to the range of possibilities, from returning here in a better or worse situation; living forever in a new reality that is either good or bad; or simply not existing after we are here. Truth is, no one knows for sure, but lets just stick with the possibility that we chose to be here for a while.

_____________

 

Believing we exist after we die,

has the power to eliminate all of the fear

of our own death.

_____________

 

When we no longer exist here, if we knew we existed somewhere else, it would make death a whole lot less frightening. Not necessarily for those we leave behind who suffer the loss of our presence and the emotional impact of losing someone you love, but for us, ourselves.

The idea that we may actually be able to choose to do this again, or that we might choose another set of parameters gives this inevitability known as death a whole new interpretation. It becomes more of a transition, a change in our reality, a new opportunity to chose to experience another life in an incalculable number of paradigms of reality.

You being you, even before you had the body you are in now, decided to experience life here. It allows us to refocus on the idea we wanted to come here and perhaps we should be exploring that instead of just getting by in a day. Why did you chose to be here? What did you want to experience, do, see, be involved in? You bought the ticket, and decided to go for the ride. What were you hoping you would get a chance to do? Trying to remember who you are and what your motivation was is a good place to start.

Even if this premise is wrong, and the only way to test it is to die, it has the power to allow us to think about life differently. We can look around with new eyes and see the world in a different way. A way that emphasizes why we would want to be here, what we enjoy and how we want to live.

Consider it for a moment. Is it possible you chose to be here? Perhaps, not in the exact situation you are in, but using a card game as an analogy, you decided to play cards and now you are faced with the hand you were dealt. How would you live differently if you no longer were preoccupied with prolonging your life, avoiding death and instead focused on the good things you enjoy around you?

It becomes possible to let go of the fear. We know we are going to die and if that is not a bad thing, we can now focus on living the most satisfying life we can imagine.

My Site is NOT back up

Wow! What a terrible couple of days. I renewed my URL, www.wendypowell.ca with Sibername for a really long time and I am regretting it in a way that I can’t explain politely. Yes, a Canadian company, Sibername, who allegedly manages URLs.sibername-facebook-cover2

The whole problem began with my requirement to have a new email address. This is not interesting, so let me just say that two emails are allegedly included with the cost of having my URL with this company.

After almost three weeks of watching their YouTube Videos, which by the way, did not address my problem, I tried calling their “24/7” helpline, which of course, is never answered. I know, jokes on me.

Anyhow, this one sales guy from the company sends me regular emails so I called his phone number. True confession here, after he tried to send me to the “help line”, which is never answered, I lost it. I know, I should be polite. Who am I to get angry after multiple emails, “live chat” conversations and a help line that is never answered? I should always remain calm. But, truth is, I did not.

For three weeks, admittedly only 1-2 hours of effort at a time, I do have a life outside of managing my website, so this might not apply to those of you who can spend your entire day trying to get your website back on-line, this guy “helps me” passive-aggressively.

So his help consisted of me being able to set up my “free” emails. Of course what he didn’t mention at the time was that his help took my entire website off-line.

OK, so I noticed, did what was necessary to bring my site back on-line after four days of being down and now suddenly, it is down again. I have contacted WordPress, who hosts my site, and they have told me, surprisingly, the problem is with Sibername. Go figure….

So, it has now been over a month of trying to resolve the problem. I have watched multiple YouTube videos — their help videos, none of which solved my problem. I got my website up, and suddenly it went down again.

It hurts me as a Canadian that I cannot support this Canadian company, but lets face it, most of the people on the help line do not have a good grasp of English, so my guess is that they are either French (wrong accent) or from another country completely, which means this “Canadian Company” is not employing Canadians anyhow.

So for Google purposes, I would like to add: SIBERNAME, Sibername, sibername and of course, their logo, attached above.

Do not register or buy your URL from this company. They provide no customer support, and more importantly, they appear to have cut off my site because I lost patience with them. I’m not proud I lost patience with them. On the other hand, I did need service and nothing else seemed to work, so I was between a rock and a hard place.

 

 

Narcissism–Scenes From the Front Line — The Fax

20140123-080815.jpgMy commute into work was unsustainable. I was driving almost 70 km (40 miles) into a large city. This particular highway would come to a complete stop if one drop of rain, or heaven forbid, a snowflake, landed on it. On more than one day it took over three hours to get into work.

In addition to the commute, the job was not during normal working hours. This is very important when you have small children because school and day care are during the day. If you have to work different hours, childcare becomes difficult. Spending time with your children is almost impossible if you are working evenings, or early mornings — think 4 a.m. All of this to say that I was highly motivated to get a new job.

At my place of work, promotions were rewarded through a competitive process that could easily be described as memorizing the assigned materials and being able to answer questions on it in both written format and during an interview. There was a job available about 20 km (12 miles) from my place. It was an office job, during the day, and would be a significant raise in pay and quality of life.

I made the first cut and they informed me that they would send me a fax. The information in the fax would be a significant part of the “interview” process and it was understood that I was supposed to be prepared to discuss its contents. The technology at this time was not what it is today. We did not own an actual fax machine. Our computer was hooked up directly to the phone lines (Yes, this was quite a while ago!) and was configured to answer the phone when a fax came in and download the file in electronic format.

I’m using the word, “our” but it was definitely his computer. I did not know how to use it well and we “shared” an email account during this time. It was before I was aware that you could create free email acounts, or perhaps before free email accounts were available.

I was anxious to read and start thinking about the fax so I asked him if the fax had arrived yet and he assured me that it had not. I asked daily for about three days and it was not there. Then came the day of the interview and the fax had still not arrived. I did not know who to contact about the fax and the people I spoke to at the office were not able to help me track it down.

I confidently went into the interview knowing that someone on their end had not sent the fax and that they would know how to deal with the interview. I had underestimated how competitive my husband was. He saw this job as potentially better than the one that he had at the time and he had done his best to undermine me. It would not be acceptable to him for me to have a job that was better than his.

As a narcissist he always had to “win”. He had to be on top. He always said that he supported me, but the underlying message was, “Go ahead and do whatever you want as long as you take care of everything that you are currently taking care of and don’t ask me to help.” By the way, this is not support.

The fax had been sent almost a week before and he had simply lied about it. The receipt for the sent and received fax was shown to me. I requested that the interview be rescheduled but that was not possible. When I confronted him he said that he had made an honest mistake. He did not realize that there was a new fax on his computer. He got angry and said that he was too busy to “discuss” this right now and started to criticize me for interfering with his ability to get his work done.

He liked to say that the best defense was a good offense and I was often the target of his anger. If he could attack sufficiently then he would not need to take responsibility or apologize — ever. I naively thought that it might have been a mistake. Unfortunately, it was part of a larger pattern. I just hadn’t figured it out yet.

The Narcissist Survival Guide now available

 

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Drive

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Interview

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Call

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Cavity

Narcissism–Scenes From the Front Line — The Funeral

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Pants

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Trailer

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — Biking

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Doctor

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — New Job

Susan Hyatt

I just got off a webinar with the Fantastic Susan Hyatt, one of my favourite Woman’s Woman. She is planning trips all over the world for her elite coaching sessions. Villas, castles, that sort of thing.

She is a common sense, wisdom kinda gal and I love her. There’s not a lot of people I’d want to meet for the first time, after swimming, while still in the pool, but she’s always been welcoming and gracious.

Picture Max, on the highway in Michigan. Who knows what speed I’m going? My dashboard is in kilometres. People are passing me, so even if I’m speeding, they likely know this road and the likelihood of radar. But I digress, 70 degrees, roof down, right into the heart of Chicago, for a dinner with Susan. She hosts these dinners that include coaching and it all comes together so well.

Today, Susan was talking to women business owners, and in general, any woman that is out there making their way in our world. She covered too many topics to mention, but one that spoke to me was the importance of self-care.

To those of you that follow my blog, you already know this, so I apologize. But, I have been struggling to find that balance myself. What level of exercise energizes me and doesn’t drain me? How do I learn the signals from my body about eating? These are things that I have spoken about. She goes into detail in how to develop a plan for yourself.

Anywho, she has another seminar today, live.

 

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — New Job

20131108-090107.jpgThis is an excerpt from my first book, “I Woke Up in Paradise“.

was receiving cheques from the government. They had started to come again after my work at the emergency clinic, but they were about to run out. I had been applying to jobs and despite Bob’s insistence that I work; he was actively interfering with this process.

One company called to set up an interview. The job would have been in sales. Bob told the person that called that I was pregnant but that it would work out really well because I could take the baby with me to the sales calls. He explained to me afterwards that he had told the guy this. I was never interviewed for this position.

One job that I did get interviewed for was with the federal government. Not an ideal job but government jobs have a lot of benefits and security. On Thanksgiving weekend that year I got a call saying that I could start on the Tuesday. There were twelve weeks of training set up and if I could start right away, I could attend the training. If I could not start away I would not be able to start until they ran the training course again and that might be a year or so.

It was 12 weeks until the baby was due, so if all went well, I could work the twelve weeks and then the baby would be born. A woman that I had met through the playgroup said that she would take my youngest daughter for the twelve weeks. I explained that I would only need day care until the baby came. My daughter and her son were the same age and had gotten to know each other pretty well.

So, I took the job. When animals are being used for food, they are brought to slaughter plants. These places are more or less disassembly plants. The animal comes in one door and it is processed until all of the edible parts have been removed and all of the inedible parts have been disposed of.

Unfortunately, one of the known drawbacks to working in slaughter is that you become exposed to all of the bacteria that naturally occur on the animals. All of the caution about cooking your food before you eat it does not apply when you are not actually eating the animals. There is no way to protect yourself from exposure to these bacteria. They are in the air. You can inhale them on a water droplet.

All this to say that near the end of my pregnancy, I got a type of food poisoning from my initial exposure to these bacteria. When the smooth muscles of your digestive tract contract to aid in the removal of these pathogens from your body, it stimulates the contractions of your uterus. Some of the things that pregnant women are told to help bring on birth are based on this understanding. Eating spicy foods, for instance, can cause your digestive tract to become upset and have extra movement. This movement stimulates the uterus as well.

I can’t describe how awful it was not knowing which end to put closest to the toilet and having a contraction, each time my body tried to expel the toxins. I managed to call Bob at work and told him about the situation. He assured me that there was nothing that he could do about it and he was quite upset that I would not be able to pick my daughter up from day care. I guess I was not doing my part. There was no question that I was completely alone in the world.

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Drive

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Fax

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Interview

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Call

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Cavity

Narcissism–Scenes From the Front Line — The Funeral

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Pants

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Trailer

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — Biking

Narcissism-Scenes From the Front Line — The Doctor

Read the entire book, now available
Read the entire book, now available
The Narcissist Survival Guide now available

www.wendypowell.ca